Recently I have had to stop my practise entirely for having created an injury in my hip, quite a significant tear of the hip joint- well, a few tears actually...
Once I sort of got through the fear and devastation(and anger:"Why me? This is the last thing I need") of realising that I was not going to be able to even practise, let alone teach, for a few good weeks at least, I attempted to surrender to the process with as little resistance and acceptance as possible, which I admit I didn't do very quietly or gracefully at times, and with which I am still struggling.
I am back to teaching just verbally and that has been an accomplishment in itself, as I have always demonstrated fairly strongly in class and relied on my 'body knowing' rather than my 'brain knowing'. Stepping out of my comfort zone, coupled with all the financial and other consequences of not being able to teach(ie. earn money) whilst having practically full-time care of a very active and energetic 4-year old girl, in a situation where it was not an option to ask the other parent for some suppport or assistance, or relief from the practical obligations of the shared parenting arrangmenet and the hours of car travel(and, hence,money) it entailed, has made for some quite stressful weeks.
But injuries are always a great opportunity to have a good look at what is going on in one's life and, amidst the resistance and the frustration, I 'quietly'(not necessarily on the outside- externally I was still indulging in some whingeing and stressing- but internally I sort of quietly 'knew' what was going on and what I needed to do) I endeavoured to do just that.
Whilst there were certain areas of my life creating stress and a sense of overextension over which I felt powerless(on a physcial level) to change, I attempted to endeavour to at least let go in the areas of my life that I could alter, and sort of experimented with being 'lazy'-well as much as you can be lazy still needing to cook and clean and wash dishes and do the laundry and shopping and entertain and look after a 4-year old, whilst you can hardly walk, let alone run, bend down or even squat, and all you want to do is lay down on your back like a cadaver.
So when I wasn't doing the above(at about half the speed with which I would nroamlly do things, and taking twice the energy) and in rare moment of not having my daughter to care for when a family member offered to take her out for a while, just so that I could relax, (not go to work or court hearings or solicitors or appointments or other obligations), I lay on my back and decided to call, rather than just text or just avoid dealing with, a person from my past to whom I owed a small(but considerate to me, being as I was broke at the time) amount of money, and with whom I have been intending to get into contact for many months, but had always been 'too busy', or too tired, or had simply crashed out in bed hours earlier than anticipated and hence got none of those 'to-do-after-getting-my-little-one-to- sleep' jobs done.
To my joy, my surrender to just facing the financial 'crisis' I found myself in, in a somewhat relaxed and accepting manner was immediately rewarded, as, before I could do any more than begin to apologise for the lack of contact, let alone the lack of money going into his account, this dear man was insiting that the debt be forgotten about, and that I accept the item I had purchased from him on credit, as a 'Christmas gift'. I had not seen or talked to this man in over 4 years. I was bordering on tears at his kindness, compassion and his lack of absolutely any anger towards me.
Furthermore, this man, who is a pilot, wrapped up the lovely conversation which ensued, by proposing that I take my daughter on a holiday some time in the coming year, and told me that he would organise free flights for the two of us, as he has the opportunity to do (within limits)!!! By this stage I was teary :here I was, a single mum on a tight budget, having spent the last 4 years since my daughter's birth battling with her father through the Family Law Courts at the expense of all else, not having had a holiday or a break in all that time, suddenly near incapacitated and unable to work, which was my living money, and I had just been given!!! the flights I needed to take a decent holiday.
The irony of(and the lesson from) the situation was not lost on me for a second: surrenduring to the process, to what was, and through just letting go and following my intuitive feelings about what to do in those 2 hours that I had to myself on the couch, allowing myself to NOT work that evening, had resulted in a financial 'win' of a good $500 or so!! And all without getting off the couch!
In the days before I had my daughter, when I was 'travelling around the world on a g-string' (as my sister and her partner used to joke), I regularly experimented with manifesting and putting out intentions for what I needed or desired, and I watched the incredible ways that miracles were worked in my life, and things and people that I needed came to me through channels that I have could never have pre-determined, imagined or consciously created or made happen.
It was much easier to do back then when I didn't have another person relying on me, when I wasn't living under certain restrictions and obligations related to the shared parenting of this small person, restrictions being imposed on me from the Father, through The Law, and the commitments and responsibilities of the lifestyle that looking after myself and my child within these circumstances entailed. It was much easier to follow my intuitive feelings and hunches and be free to what I needed or felt to do, when I could make spontaneous choices from morning to evening, travelling and living on nothing if I so chose; when I had no real obligations to even stay in an occupation or a place, or in a relationship if it no longer excited, served or pleased me. I did not always make those changes easily or without pain,, but the freedom of choice to make the small ones in particualar were taken for granted. I knew that I could always get by, and that my choices didn't directly effect anyone except myself, or other adults who were more than capable of looking after themselves.
But I saw and was reminded, in this injury opportunity, of the importance of Trust and of honouring one's self and one's inner yearnings, on a very fundamental level, even when everything in your rational mind and your external reality is telling you that something should or should not be done or should or should not be happening. For me that came down to being physically forced to stop when I had been feeling like I had been running on a treadmill, from which I had convinced myself, mostly out of fear, that there was no jumping off, for some time before.
There was pressure from others-well meaning others- also concerned about my impednding financial loss, to continue teaching in some capacity at least. But I knew in myself, and was guided to at least supportive professional who supported my instinct and what was now my physical need, that all I wanted was to just let it all(or at least some of it) go for a little while, to move as little as possible, lay down as much as possible(even if just for 10 minutes at a time) and just BE.
For some time preceding the injury I had been inwardly desperate for a holiday, for some quiet time, for some down time, some non-teaching, non-doing time, some contemplation and dreaming time, but I had not been able to logically or practically see how it could be achieved. My injury forced me into and gave me that opportunity and made me just slow down, although I resisted it so strongly as I still had so much I 'had' to do, just in the day to day living requirements, especially when healthy food preparation(and shopping for the right foods etc) is such a big part of your life, and when those things and other things still needed to be done and yet took longer and werer harder and more exhausting to do. But it provoked a shift in focus, as I needed to really determine and only do(where I had choice) what I deemed was necessary for my own and my daughter's immediate wellbeing. It gave me the opportunity to withdraw a little, which was what I needed as much as getting away, and created subtle internal and external shifts in my life in other ways as a consequence. It gave me some detachedness from a lot of what I had been caught up in.
Further, in honouring the 'being' I started to attract and fall into profitable situations in ways and circumstances that I know would not have occured had I been rushing around in my usual 'got-to-get-it-all-done-and-fulfill-others-expectations-of-me-too' manner.
So thank you, body, for honouring me even when I was unable to consciously do that for myself. I feel slightly excited about my life again, and about the possibilities of attracting(rather than pushing to get) what I need, following synchronicities and my intution and going with the flow a little bit more even with the care and responsibilities of my little girl, which I love and wouldn't change for the world.
Withdrawing from my 'role', my community and my social and professional world for a little bit, has allowed me some time to dream and ponder and explore possibilities and projects and some jobs on my( 'to do list') that I have been putting off, has allowed me to stop and be, to not be sociable if I haven't felt like it(I'm a bit of an introvert, a hermit really), to go to less children's activities, and just potter around, and be, play with my daughter a bit more, and feel what I spontaneously felt like doing or creating, without all the structure and my days all planned-up from morning to night.
Yesterday, after dropping my daughter at her Fathers some hours away for her fortnightly visit(visits which are the source of a degree of ongoing stress and anxiety for her and therefore myself) I even bought some material to sew her a mermaid costume. I have not sewn for years, and yet just entering into the creative, colourful space of the fabric shop, awakewned something dormant in me.
And I've finally set up my latest website and started a blog- things I have been wanting to do for years now.
So thank you body, for creating an opportunity for me to be reminded of the importance of listening to and trusting that inner knowing. Solutions, abundance and miracles can come from a source which is infinite and beyond the limits of our minute experience or knowledge bank -no matter how vast we may think that bank.
The part of our being, our humanity, which maintains constant connection with that infinite source of interconnectedness is the unconscious, of which the body and our feelings are the messengers. Yoga can and does help us to develop the inner sensitivity to notice what the body and feelings are trying to show us. After that it is our choice as to whether we listen and act upon that wisdom or not, whether we express or supress our inner-knowing.
I still do not know what is coming or what I really want to 'do' or work towards in the coming years. I feel that new things are on the way but I am not sure yet of what they will be. I do know that I have recently been reminded of the importance of creating space and allowing for emptiness and time and quietness from the race of everyday life, in order to tune in and follow those gut feelings and voices, to become still enough to hear them and to have enough space in our lives, and enough courage and self trust to allow ourselves to act on them.